by Donna Quesada: I have had a long-standing fascination with the notion of happiness through the years.
So much so, that I created and hosted a radio show on the topic, many years ago, at Long Beach State college radio. Through my exploration of happiness, there was something curious that began to present itself to me, over and over again. There seems to be a common “fear” of happiness. Let me explain…
What Is Happiness?—
But first, let’s take a few steps back. Coming from the eastern perspective, as a professor of Asian Philosophy, I will first share my starting point of view, namely that happiness is not a thing to “get,” or “find.”
Buddha’s insight 2500 years ago, reveals that the minute we turn something into a “thing,” it becomes perpetually elusive. Like the cartoon image of the dangling carrot in front of the horse, we will always chase this phantom item that we imagine is outside of us somewhere. We turn it into a thing, then we attach ourselves to the dream of finding it, and it eludes us. Alas, like all attachments, we are then doomed to a life of grasping and reaching, which ironically only keeps us trapped and all the more frustrated.
So, if it’s not a thing to get or find, then what is it? I’m not here to beat around the bush, so I’ll say, it’s something to be. But even here, I’m taking liberties with language by using the word “something,” as if it’s a “thing,” which we now know to be untrue. Let’s rather call it a state of being.
What’s Stopping Us (from being happy)?—
If we know that it’s better described as a state of being, then why aren’t we (happy)? I propose that it’s a matter of not allowing ourselves. But why on earth would we not allow ourselves to be happy, when that’s the very thing we want most of all, in life?
Because we are afraid to be happy. We don’t let ourselves be happy. Why? Because we always feel like the “other shoe is about to drop.” It’s a chronic condition.
In writing this article, I found a very specific body of research that backs up my ideas here. In 2023, Michael Gallagher and his team, at Mississippi State University, found that people who are prone to depression have a reduced ability to experience positive feelings. He names this finding, the “reward devaluation theory (RDT),” which basically asserts that any feelings of positivity will automatically become associated with negative outcomes (devalued), in the mind of those who tend toward depression.
We All Do This… But Why?—
I contend that it’s not just those that describe themselves as depressed, that sabotage their happiness. It’s a great number of us, to some extent. We are afraid to let ourselves feel happy because something bad might be just around the corner!
So, we answered the first why: We don’t allow ourselves to be happy out of fear that something bad may be lurking in the dark. But now, to the second why…
Why do we have this fear?
Are we just naturally superstitious? Do we have some unarticulated idea that some malevolent figure out in the universe somewhere will see us happy and then strike us down to punish us? Did we internalize the fear of the “jinx”… the way we would say to each other, as kids, “Don’t jinx it!” As if the mere act of expressing our delight about something, might cancel it.
What To Do?—
How can we allow ourselves to be happy? Or said differently, why should we “take the risk?” The answer lies in the fact that there is no risk at all. It’s all in our heads… Our heads make us miserable. Our heads are the source of all of our suffering.
Buddha was right when he said Life is suffering. This is the heart of his teachings. But he didn’t stop there. He went on to show us the way out of our self-imposed misery!
The way he did that was by pointing out that the source of this self-imposed suffering lies in our tendency to cling to the ideas we have in our heads, which is why detachment is the primary tool of a practicing Buddhist.
In this case, the practice of detachment would take the form of breaking up with false beliefs and superstitions, that have got us by the nose, making us think that if we relax and enjoy ourselves, some misfortune will follow.
The first thing to remember is that there is no connection between thoughts and reality. I know what you’re thinking… what about manifestation?
To that question, I ask, do you know how much work and practice it takes to successfully manifest thought into form? You have to focus with such unbroken intention to manifest … and as Esther Hicks herself puts it, most of us are not good focusers! So, go ahead and let go of the false idea that your positivity will result in a jinx!
Along with simply becoming more mindful about the way we sabotage our own happiness with fearful thoughts, it’s all about giving ourselves permission to be happy.
So give yourself permission!
One of my teachers in the tradition of Kundalini Yoga counted happiness as a birthright:
Remember, it is your privilege and it is your right and it is the purpose of life, to be healthy, to be happy and to be holy. ~Yogi Bhajan 3/27/1979
True, lasting happiness is a state of well-being, that continually unfolds, moment by moment. It is not something that is “found.” It is cultivated and realized, not through external circumstances, but by cultivating a mindful connection to this present moment. This connection must be pure and free of all the mental static that fills us with untrue ideas and fears.
