by Donna Quesada: Love is universal. We can have a conversation about “love” and be sure that everyone present knows what is meant by the word,
so we don’t have to stop and define it. Yet, if pressed, each person asked would offer up a different definition. So, how is it possible that we can have a conversation about it, at all?
The ancient Greek philosopher, Plato, was the most famous student of Socrates, as well as the teacher of Aristotle. He proposed several different types of love to help clear up the confusion. Here are the four most common types…
1. Eros
This is the type of love that most people are referring to when they speak of “falling in love.” It is the inspiration for love songs and the culprit behind broken hearts and crimes of passion. Eros is the courtship between lovers… it is sensuality in the context of mutual attraction… it is lust.
Eros is romantic love. It’s the magnetism that pulls lovers together. It’s the chemistry between two people, that to this day—despite thousands of years of philosophers’ best efforts—we don’t really understand.
In Greek myth, it is described as a kind of madness brought about by Cupid’s arrows. Cupid was just the Roman name for the God of love Eros, from which this category is named, and which gives us related words, like erotic and erogenous.
This love is all powerful. It stirs the heart, it renders us obsessed, it makes us physically sick and mentally crazy. Crimes are committed over unrequited eros. Movies are made, books are written, and empires are born because of eros.
But it is not unconditional. It is loaded with expectations, hopes, dreams and disappointments.
2. Philia
The stamp of philia is friendship. True friendships represent the ideal form of this kind of love, through their commitment to honesty and trust.
This kind of love—love that isn’t based on physical attraction—also gives us our concept of platonic love… platonic coming directly from the philosopher’s name.
Interestingly, Plato asserted that the best kind of friendship is that which serves as the foundation for a romantic relationship. In other words, philia goes hand in hand with eros. He also said that both types of love reinforce each other.
The word philia is etymologically related to many of our words in English, for example, the word “philosophy” itself, which means love (phil) of wisdom (sophia). This word root phil/philia is found in many other words, as well, and indicates an affinity for something, such as in the term anglophile, which refers to someone who loves all things English.
The role of friendship in a life well-lived is no small matter. For example, in the Jewish religion, it was always said that the benefit of sharing your troubles with a confidante was beyond value. It was thought to be healing and restorative to simply articulate whatever was causing you angst, to someone who has your best interests at heart. It lifts the burden. This is philia.
3. Agape
Agape is best described as universal love, such as the love we have for those we don’t even know, the love we have for the earth, the trees, and all of Gods creatures, as well as God himself/herself/itself, whatever that looks like for you. In some forms of Christianity, agape refers to the concept of altruism, and our call to serve others. Agape described the love that Jesus himself felt for humanity, and which led to his willingness to sacrifice his own life.
Although it is called by different names, altruism is found in all religions, such as in the Indian call to do seva, or “selfless service.” It is an unconditional kind of love.
It has even been discovered, by modern day studies, that altruistic acts benefit not only those who are on the receiving end, but also the helpers. The act of giving generates the “helper’s high” and is said to boost our mental health, as well as our physical health.
I feel that existentially, selfless service heals us on a deep level by taking us out of our own concerns by enlarging our focus to include others. This gives us a deeper sense of purpose.
In this context of political turmoil, outrage and division, it would do us good to cultivate the spirit of agape in our homes, cultures and in our educational upbringing.
4. Philautia
Philautia refers to self-love, which in its healthiest form, is not only essential for our self-esteem, but forms the basis of our very ability to love others. Without it, we would end up sabotaging our relationships and undermining our capacity to give to others at all.
Let me explain… if we have anger on the inside, then we will have only anger to project toward the world. This inner anger would end up squeezing the joy out of life.
What can you bring the world if there is no joy behind what you are doing?
Of course, self-love can also take the unhealthy form of pride and conceit, which the Greeks called hubris. In Ancient Greece, this was actually a crime… people could be accused of hubris if they placed themselves above the gods, or, like certain some modern politicians, above the interests of the people.
But self-love in its healthiest form, is indispensable to an emotionally balanced life and to the formation of healthy relationships. Consider that without it, we tend to relate to others from a place of neediness… a need for approval and validation. But those with healthy self-love and self-esteem have no need to boost themselves up with accolades, attention or external validation.
With healthy self-love, we feel whole. We feel connected to others through genuine compassion, rather than neediness. We feel fulfilled within ourselves. From this place of completion, we can freely give and extend our compassion to others freely, without looking for anything in return. This is love.
For Plato, love in all its forms, makes the world a better place to live in. It also makes happiness possible.
