by Jay: We all know that healing is a journey, not a destination and not a linear progression…
Sometimes we move forward and sometimes it feels like we take ten steps back in the same breadth. What I find to be the most reassuring thing is that day by day as I progress in my healing journey there are moments where I feel an extreme sense of happiness. This deep feeling of happiness and clarity washes over me like a wave. I feel it in my bones, I feel it in my core, I feel it in every inch of my soul. In those moments I know that I’m on the right path.
Here are 5 truths I’ve learned along the way:
1. You‘ll never be done.
Each and every time I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve done enough healing I was sadly mistaken. There is and will always be more. I realized that I had become so accustomed to the feeling of my own pain and traumas that I didn’t realize just how much they were affecting me in daily life. Wounds have a way of touching every relationship, interaction and situation we encounter in life like the black plague. They go around burning and turning things into ash, all while we are constantly blaming other people and external things for all the situations in our lives. Each day I’m forced to reach inside, dig deeper and find the truths that I’ve been running from. I promise it will be the best decision you’ve ever made.
2. Not everyone is meant to come on the journey with you.
In life there will be people you thought would never leave, friendships you thought would never fade and relationships you thought would never end. Breaking free from old and toxic patterns has a way of shifting your lift and shifting your perspectives from a limited view of self into one that’s far more reaching than it ever has been. Not everyone is going to be okay with the new versions of self that you transform and change into. Not everyone is meant to walk with you on that path. When the roads start to split and transition don’t be afraid to stand in your truth and continue on without them. The unknown may be scary, but there is nothing worse than the pain of holding onto things and people that no longer serve you.
3. Not listening to my inner self was the cause and the cure.
As I reflect on life I can think of many times my inner child was kicking, crying and screaming to be held, nurtured and paid attention to. It asked for kindness, compassion and attention all the time — but I ignored those cries just like my mother did when I was a child. Each time I ignored and abandoned the inner me I created a deeper hole within myself that needed to be filled. I tried to fill it with drugs, alcohol, women, men, porn, food, travel, excitement, adventure, anything to help me ignore those deep inner feelings of emptiness I was running from. I ignored them for so long that eventually the anger, aggression and self hatred I was carrying overflowed into self destructive chaos destroying everything I had built for myself. My entire life was in shambles and I was the only one to blame.
The moment I stopped ignoring myself, my inner needs, my yearning for love and attention that only I could give to myself was the first time I ever felt true relief from all that pain. It was the day I freed myself from the self created prison I was living in. A prison cell I had the keys to open the whole time.
4. Co-dependency is a choice sourced in lack of self-worth.
Throughout my life I have always been a people pleaser. I put myself second in order to focus on other people’s needs regardless of what I felt was right for me. Every time I allowed someone to derail me from the things that I truly needed I felt a little part of me die deep down inside. I thought that sacrifice was important. You sacrifice and do anything for the people you love right? I thought that I needed to save others to make myself feel better inside. I cared so much about making other people happy because I thought they would leave me if they no longer had any use for me in their life. I was only good if I was useful and served a purpose. The co-dependency I created attracted both partners and friendships that would facilitate my own need to be the savior. I wanted to be a martyr, I wanted to be use and needed. It allowed me to be both the victim and the “good” person all while I could manipulate people into being dependent on me in a self serving way. If someone needed me they would never leave. I had to own this part of myself and address it with a dose of radical honesty that was hard to accept and acknowledge. I wasn’t a victim, I was the cause of my own pain and simultaneously the only person that could break the cycle.
One day I decided enough was enough. How much longer was I going to put myself, my dreams and my needs on hold for others? Why do I feel like I NEED these people when all they’re doing is taking from me anyway? What am I really gaining by doing this and what do they provide for me other than a sense of worth? Why am I basing my self worth off how others see and feel about me in the first place? These questions were difficult to answer, and my answering them hurt even worse. I felt worthless and stupid in those moments of reflection. Then I found my power and strength. I realized that I was worthy of all the things I had denied myself in life and now was the time to reach out and grab them.
5. My independence became my happiness
As a person who has been co-dependent their entire life I didn’t know what it felt like to not have a partner, a best friend, a companion or anyone to help me navigate through life without feeling alone. Being alone has always been one of my biggest fears. Who would I talk to? Who would be there to support me when I needed it? Who’s shoulder could I cry on when life got too difficult to bear? Who would I call when I needed love? I think that on some level we all feel like this deep down inside at one point or another in our lives. Some are just too afraid to admit it.
My need for others destroyed almost every relationship I had and couldn’t be tamed by continuing to leach off other people’s energy anymore. Anxious attachment made me clingy, needy and smothering. Like an addiction I needed to wean myself off my drug of choice(love and toxic relationships). In an attempt to combat my co-dependency I created my own quarantine of sorts from people, friends, relationships, and anything else I was dependent on by shutting myself off from the world. I quit my job, I cut people off, and placed boundaries around communication from the people that were still around. Then I made the decision to travel to Thailand for a year to focus on self work and lose weight. While most people won’t be extremists like me, I felt this was necessary for my own personal growth to become cut off from everything I felt kept me safe. I thought to myself — “An unknown country, no one to lean on when I need support and no one that speaks English, that should do it!”
Before I left I was riddled with negative self talk and all the negative opinions of others around me. Each day I spent alone in my own company I began to embrace and enjoy the silence. I became clearer both mentally and emotionally. I began to drain the emotional baggage and incessant mind chatter. I began to feel happier, freer and more secure in myself. I stopped doubting my own abilities, I stopped worrying about the opinions of others because mine was the only one that mattered. I came home to myself every day knowing that I would be supportive of my own choices, and that I would be my biggest cheerleader and fan. These are all things that I obviously knew from a logical perspective, but I wasn’t able to embody those characteristics in any real sense in my life. I stopped relying on other people to make me happy and instead started pursuing the things that I was passionate about. I found fulfillment from doing things that brought me joy, a different type of joy that I’ve never felt before. Following my own instincts and moving towards the things that my soul was calling for. The things that made me feel alive. I was finally able to start embracing life on my own terms without being held back by the limited beliefs, wants and needs of others.
Facing the self can be hard, but I promise going through the pain and coming out the other side is worth every moment.
