by Misty Jacobs: You don’t need an article to tell you if you are physically attracted to another person.
Attraction — sexual and platonic — is obvious and magnetic. But how do we measure the spirituality of our relationships, the characteristics that rise above the basic drives of need, lust and companionship?
In Buddhism, there are four immeasurable aspects to true love: Love, Compassion, Joy and Equanimity.
In his book, “Teachings on Love”, scholar, activist and Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, referred to these aspects as “. . . ‘immeasurable,’ because if you practice them, they will grow in you every day until they embrace the whole world. You will become happier, and everyone around you will become happier, also.”
1) Love
Love, the first aspect of the overarching “True Love”, is an outward expression affecting more than just two individuals in relationship. From the Sanskrit wordmaitri, it is defined by Thich Nhat Hanh as “the intention and capacity to offer joy and happiness.”
Love is other-centered — an offering, a gift, a sacrifice to the world. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that such love cannot exist without understanding. Understanding opens us to the needs, desires, sufferings and aspirations of others.
Some of us, survivors of trauma or of childhood abuse or neglect, are often so focused on day-to-day survival and affirmation that we can forget that our partners do not exist exclusively to fulfill our unmet emotional needs.
Our partners have their own doubts, weaknesses and aspirations. Keeping the humanness of one’s partner in mind is an affirmation of love.
2) Compassion
Compassion, from the Sanskrit word karuna, is “the intention and capacity to relieve and transform suffering and lighten sorrows.” Also other-centered, this aspect of love enlightens us to the sufferings of another.
Love garners knowledge. Compassion spurs us to act on that knowledge.
The Dalai Lama asserts, “When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.”
Even if we cannot relate to another’s circumstances, compassion instructs us to remain sensitive to others’ struggles and to attempt to ease those struggles in whatever way we can.
3) Joy
Joy is a sense of peace and contentment, a celebration of others’ happiness but also our own. Nhan asks, “How can we feel joy for another person when we do not feel joy for ourselves?”
One of the rewards of being in relationship is sharing one another’s successes and milestones. Pure joy allows no room for jealousy and competition.
4) Equanimity or Letting Go
From the Sanskrit word upeksh, equanimity is non-attachment, non-discrimination, even-mindedness, or letting go.
Am I willing to remain impartial in a disagreement? Do I make an effort to see the other side of the argument? Do I insist on my point of view or justify myself? Am I always right?
Equanimity allows us to maintain love in disagreement and in discord, to respect others’ opposing views, to tolerate their quirks and hold our beloved in the same esteem as we hold ourselves.
Disparaging thoughts about others or negative assumptions about another’s intentions betray our own lack of equanimity. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, “We have to put ourselves ‘into the other person’s skin’ and become one with him if we want to understand and truly love him. When that happens, there is no ‘self’ and no ‘other’.”
How other-centered is your love? Is it compassionate, joyful and even-minded? Are you embracing the whole world?
