by Eric S Burdon: De-escalate problems through emotional intelligence…
Here’s a hypothetical situation. You’re driving along the road and there is someone behind you looking to get past you. But at the prime moment for them to pass you, you cut them off.
They blare their horn at you and shake their fist at you. You apologize or you shake your head thinking this person was a bad driver.
But then you do the same thing again to the exact same driver a few minutes later.
Angry and frustrated, the driver you cut off twice races forward and cuts you off. But he also stops his car, blocking you from passing at all.
Next thing you know, you have an angry man banging on your car door and he looks like a man who would easily put you into the hospital if he got a hold of you.
What do you do?
In many of these situations, it’s easy for us to react on instinct by telling someone to calm down or that they’re overreacting. However, we’ve seen throughout history time and time again that this approach has never worked out.
Mark Goulston, a psychiatrist and author of Talking to ‘Crazy’: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life proposes a more effective approach to this situation. In fact, that kind of scenario is something he personally experienced.
What he did in that situation was roll down his window and ask the man a few questions. Most notably is the question that can be summarized as such:
“Are you the man that is going to end this terrible day I’m having? Are you going to put me out of my misery and shoot me?”
Mark isn’t suicidal, but the questions he asked that man tap into his deep understanding of anger. Almost immediately after dropping those questions, the man went from angry and frustrated to comforting him saying that people have those kinds of days.
We often believe that anger leads people to do unpredictable things in their lives. As such, there is no way for us to de-escalate anyone who is in a rage or angry.
But that’s not true as Mark is living proof.
The thing about anger to know is that when we deny emotions or try to explain or dispute or reason with someone in that state, it all goes to waste. After all, no one likes to be told that they’re wrong about something. Psychology dictates that often leads to us doubling down on our initial belief. Anger works the same.
Instead when you lean into someone’s perspective — that the person’s anger is justified and their response afterwards is completely justified — it’s easier to guide someone back to sanity and true reasonableness.
Of course, that technique only works in niche situations. You can’t really use this if someone is suffering from a personality disorder or they are trying to manipulate you. But for the average person, that technique works.
It’s a technique that Mark has uncovered and honed over his years as a psychiatrist. And he has quite the background of talking with unique patients and helping them sort out irrational behaviour. In the past, he’s treated a Britney Spears stalker overcome his stalking tendencies. He’s even helped an arrested citizen of the Dominican Republic whose previous goal was to lead a revolution in the area.
Through those experiences and others, he included some key lessons in the book I mentioned earlier. These lessons are “secrets” in dealing with irrational and impossible people in our lives.
We may not be dealing with stalkers or wanna-be revolutionists, but these techniques can help in everyday moments of our lives where we find ourselves in heated arguments.
Start With Controlling Yourself
To start with, it’s key to remind yourself that when someone is irrational, you can’t make everything better for them. However, it is possible to not make things worse. With that in mind, you want to be able to control what you can control — yourself.
The last thing you want in an argument is for two irrational people screaming at one another. We’ve seen plenty of times in debates where this doesn’t get us anywhere in actual solutions or resolution of something.
What is more effective is being able to keep your emotions under control. If you’re coll-under-pressure, it’s harder to overreact or become irrational. Whenever someone is losing it, the best way to think about it is that they’re venting.
This leads to you affect labelling, a technique that immediately changes someone’s mood. In the scenario above, telling yourself “I’m feeling angry” becomes a way to cope and quickly address the emotional issue.
At this point, you’re able to de-escalate a heated argument. But that’s only if you’re strangers in this situation. Whenever someone is angry or frustrated, they’ll be ranting and raving about all kinds of things.
It’s easier to brush those instances off if the person doesn’t know you.
It’s harder to do this if it’s someone that does know you and they’re able to point out precise criticisms.
When It’s Someone You Know, Do This
Whenever it’s someone close, it’s always tougher to deal with calming them down. The last thing you want to be hearing from someone you have a closer connection to telling you things like:
- I hate you!
- I should fire you!
- Or I want a divorce!
The thing about these statements is that even when they’re said, people don’t actually mean those words. It’s rarely a good assumption to believe that people in this moment of being overwhelmed with emotion are actually meaningfully saying those things.
It is far more likely that what someone close to you is feeling isn’t hate but rather, disappointment. With that in mind, you can address the issue by outlining what the problem is.
Even asking them straight up what is one thing that you’ve done or failed to do that caused them to feel disappointed about something works too.
The idea is to bring the problem front and center and apologize for it. It does feel a bit unfair because you’re not the one yelling and screaming. But the thing about these accusations from people you know is that there is some validity to them.
At least from their point of view.
It’s not out of the question that problems in relationships and friendships are two-sided. More often than not, you’re not entirely to blame for this problem. But at the same time, you might be partially to blame for it.
The goal here isn’t to get on your knees and beg for forgiveness, but to address your portion of the problem (even if it’s 2%), and to begin talking constructively. This can be very effective, but sometimes it can miss the mark. In which case, the 3rd secret can come in handy.
AEU: Apologize, Empathize, Uncover
An extreme solution to the point it makes you feel uncomfortable, but it’s one of the most powerful and effective ways to calming down a situation. Here is how it’s broken down:
Apologize
And not just saying “Sorry”. At this point we’re past just saying that. Be as specific and thoughtful as you can. This apology isn’t just a word or a sentence. It’s a paragraph. Multiple if necessary. The idea with the apology is to meet someone where they’re at. As such, you know pushing back isn’t going to help.
Opening with something like this is incredibly powerful because most people never do this. That or we think the apologies are half-assed and they’re just saying it.
When the apology is genuine and honest, it’s really difficult to get angry at that person at that point.
Empathize
Empathy is putting yourself into their shoes. So do it. Explain how tough of a situation it is for them from their perspective. You don’t need to lie. There isn’t any facts or hard evidence being thrown around. It’s focusing on emotions — even if you personally think they’re overreacting or being unreasonable.
Whatever you think about their feelings doesn’t matter. The best thing to do is to generalize their feelings and get a rough understanding of what they’re going through. That is ideal since we’re not mind readers.
Empathy in the end is the act of thinking deeply about someone else’s feelings. And having the courtesy to show that through speech is enough.
Uncover
This is the really tough part because it involves dark and ugly thoughts they might have towards you. Things that they’re ashamed to have towards you. The idea here is to be extreme if necessary. You’re effectively unloading the guilt that they’re experiencing from them.
It goes back to that scenario above where Mark asked a complete stranger if he was going to kill him. In America, gun violence happens every day and we’re no strangers to hearing stories about people getting shot over differences in opinion or the fact someone screwed up their order.
It’s dark but bringing that fact up front and center makes it really difficult for someone to stay angry.
If the apology is sincere, there is a lot of empathy behind it, and you’re bringing up the darkest thoughts out into the open it is pretty rare for someone to know and see all these things and not feel guilty about it.
Overall, this tactic leads to the person backpedalling and downplaying what they’re saying or experiencing. It allows them to go back to some sensibility and even address what’s actually bothering them.
And while all of that is said and done, the thing about arguments is that they’re never fully settled. There is a good chance that things can quickly circle back to shouting and arguments starting. That is unless you do the fourth technique.
Focus On The Future
We’ve all seen politics at this point and we know arguments in the political sphere tend to go around in circles. The arguments we experience in our own lives around friends, family, and co-workers tend to do the same thing.
Problems only tend to get resolved when both sides get tired of the other person’s shit.
So what to do about it is simple: stop dwelling on the past and look forward.
This is easier said than done and often just saying that doesn’t amount to much. It’s for this reason why action is necessary and the best way to know what to do is to ask.
“I know that I’ve upset you with my current behaviour. What can I do moving forward that would ensure this problem never happens again?”
Something as simple as that breaks down arguments and begins the problem-solving part of things. The other person is aware of your flaw and will often present some solution. If not, then you can come up with solution together.
The other thing is simply asking for a favour: that the next time the problematic behaviour is displayed, they address it calmly rather than making you feel like you’re under attack.
Either approach ultimately ends with addressing the issue, not being stuck in the past, and creating better defaults for if this problem ever arises again.
What this strategy does is effectively creating a plan, process, and contract that you and the other person agrees to. It’s a way to prevent future outbursts and bad behaviour.
Every dispute in our lives is a step forward in creating boundaries and preventing more heated arguments. When you do these things above, you’re ultimately turning an argument into a conversation. An opportunity to bond and deepen the relationship.
Even with total strangers, they can end up liking you or simply reassuring you. In many situations, if the person isn’t a manipulator or have a serious personality disorder, it’s a good person having a rough day and this one thing set them off.
Thinking about it this way makes things easier. As Albert Einstein once said:
“The most important decision you will ever make is whether you live in a safe or a dangerous world.”
He’s right because how you view this world determines how you’ll see everyone in it. And if you think most people are good and are just having a rough day, it’s easier to stay compassionate and considerate of them, even if they’re yelling in your face.
