by Dr. Martin Ball: Before I took my turn, I stated my intentions and what I hoped to gain from this experience.

I said something to the effect that I believed that everything happened for a reason. I found it very meaningful and significant that my host had been inspired to contact me after seeing the God Box/Mystic Toad on my web site. I related how I had received the challenge to “accept my own divinity” through the God Box – something I felt I had never achieved. God was still something foreign to me, as was my own ultimately divine nature as an incarnation of the Absolute. So here I was, willing to try this sacrament once again in the hopes that I might experience my own divinity, whatever that may be, and that I might know and experience something of the divine source of all of existence.

I didn’t finish the chamber of vaporized 5-MeO-DMT. There was perhaps still a third or fourth of the hit still left. I could tell, however, that whatever I had was enough. Whatever was about to unfold was clearly unstoppable. As my host would put it, I had definitely taken in a full “release” dose.

With the hit still in my lungs, I lay back on the bed inside the consecrated temple of our ceremonial space. Initially upon taking the hit, I had closed my eyes. But as I was falling back, the hit slowly escaping from my lungs with the sweet smell of 5-MeO-DMT filling the room, my eyes popped open, unable to stay closed.

Within the space of a few heartbeats, I had completely expanded into God. Eyes open in absolute awe and wonder, the room dissolved, my ego dissolved, my entire world dissolved. Everything I had ever known or thought or felt dissolved away into absolute pure nothingness. There was nothing to see, nothing to experience, nothing to perceive. Absolutely pure nothingness. And this nothingness was pure consciousness. And it was love. Infinite love and infinite perfection. Everything was in a state of divine perfection. Nothing was out of place. Nothing was either good or bad. Nothing was right or wrong. Everything was simply perfect in this pure consciousness, this pure state of being. And this state was not a thing. It was not an object of perception. It was not a concept. It was not an emotion. It was not anything that I could describe in any way. In fact, when asked later, I vaguely described it as “living starlight,” but even that was not accurate, for in truth, it was nothing.

But that no-thing was everything. It was God.
And it was my deepest nature.
I was one with God.

Not my ego self. That was pretty thoroughly obliterated through the impossibly fast 5-MeO-DMT expansion. It was not as though I identified my personal sense of self with God. Rather, it was that the deepest core of my being, not my ego-identity, was identical with God. As a finite being in a body with a sense of self and identity, I was an expression of God. At my core, at the very deepest level, my nature as an incarnated being was one with that pure consciousness, that infinite love, that infinite source of creative energy in which all things exist in absolute and unquestionable perfection. In those few heartbeats, this beautiful and sacred medicine had opened me up to the All. I had accepted my own divinity.

“Thank you, God!” I called out as my hands reached up towards that infinite expanse of nothingness, a few moments after the hit of psychedelic medicine flowed out of my lungs. Eyes wide open, gaping in sheer awe at the mysterium tremendum, I embraced God, and the embrace was returned.

“Thank you,” I said, over and over and over again, lasting the better part of an hour as the medicine expanded me out into the farthest reaches of cosmic consciousness and then gently brought me back to myself. I was so overwhelmed that I began crying and laughing at the same time. It was, beyond any doubt, the most beautiful, profound, and total experience of my life. Nothing in my psychedelic or spiritual history could have prepared me for this divine embrace. It was so total, so complete, so beyond any sense of doubt or wonder or skepticism. It was absolutely undeniable. I could hardly believe that it was true. I could hardly believe that I was saying that word: God.

I was one with God, and God was love, and I knew that I loved God with all my heart, and that I, as a small little insignificant person with my own very small sense of self and being, was embraced by the Love of All, and that all things were in absolute perfection. All that was, was God. God was the only true reality. All else was illusion – the effluence of God’s creative power, manifesting in space and time as a physical world with physical beings that felt so alone and cut off. But now I truly understood, for I experienced the truth with every aspect of my being. God was Real. God was Reality. And my nature, as a spiritual being, was One with that Absolute Reality.

Slowly, I came back from that infinite expansion into the nothingness that was everything. Like a space ship re-entering the atmosphere, I could feel the layers of my individual sense of self begin to reassert themselves. The ego and identity that had been completely obliterated in the instantaneous expansion brought on by the 5-MeO-DMT regained its foothold, and as I fell down out of that exalted state, I knew myself once more. I understood that I was “Martin,” this collection of patterns and habits, judgments and beliefs, choices, attitudes, and emotions. It was the “me” I had lived with all my life. But now I knew. Now I knew with all my heart that there truly was something more, and that something was more profound, more complete, and more truly holy and sacred than anything I had ever imagined or anything I had ever conceived. I knew that in the end, we, all of us, everything that we see, hear, taste, feel and experience, is really just the One Being. It is all God. God is the only true reality. And at the same time, God is absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing to grasp. Nothing to hold on to. Nothing to behold. Nothing to name or force into the box of language and conceptuality. God is simply the “I AM,” and there is nothing more that can be said. God is, and that is enough.

That was my first truly divine mystical experience and I am generally in agreement with Oroc’s claims as to the unique nature of this medicine. I’ve now seen enough people journey with 5-MeO-DMT to know that my experience is not necessarily typical of the experiences of others, especially now that I’ve learned how to truly surrender into God and let go of anything that might prevent me from being absorbed fully and completely in that state. The key is surrender. Simple, really, but I’ve seen it be exceedingly difficult for some. Fear takes hold. One grasps onto the disintegrating ego. Fear of death becomes overwhelming. So many struggle and resist the call to fall back into the Divine Love of God. There is so much fear.