1. If You Can’t be Happy Everywhere, You Can’t Be Happy Anywhere—
by Donna Quesada: It’s fun to to travel. But wherever you go, there you are! In other words, Your tendencies and your default moods will go with you. Your fears, jealousies and insecurities will go with you, too. You will be the same where ever you are. Many people think that it’s their external environment that is making them miserable, and that if they could just go somewhere else, they’d be happy. The grass is always greener… But outside of irregular circumstances, like war, it just doesn’t work like that. If you can find the joy here and now, right where you are, then you’ll do the same where ever you go and you’ll enjoy your travels all the more.
2. How You Do One Thing Is How You Do Everything—
I remember when I was little, both my grandmothers emphasized manners and courtesy. They taught me to write Thank You notes after receiving a gift, to make my bed, to speak politely, to wash up after myself, to not yell through the house, and even to close doors gently at night, so as not to wake others up. Today, I’m grateful for those things and at the risk of sounding exactly like my grandmother… it seems these kinds of things have become old-fashioned in today’s world. What I have observed is that my grounding in good form carried over into my studies and my approach to just about everything. There’s a good feeling that comes from doing things with care. That’s why in Zen, we say “How you do one thing, is how you do everything.”
3. Material Things Aren’t Worth the Chase—
Whatever it is, you can’t take it with you on your final journey! But more importantly, despite those bumper stickers that were popular in the 80’s, that read The one with the most toys wins, you’ll get tired of it soon enough, whatever it is. Now, of course, we enjoy nice things and a comfortable home. I’m talking about excesses. For example, I remember when I was in my 20’s, I would go crazy for designer handbags and expensive clothing. When I think now about how much money I wasted on things like that, I cringe. Those were the days of shopping malls, and buying things became a sort of hobby in itself. As the Hindus say, material life is like a play… it’s all a bit of a masquerade, and serves as something of a distraction from our soul’s true purpose, which is to connect with others, and ultimately, to connect with spirit… whatever that means to you, and to take care of this earth and its creatures. So, now I say, go simple and use your money for the things that really matter. For example, on experiences that nourish your soul and make for lasting memories with the ones you love.
4. Love Yourself—
A healthy self-love has nothing to do with egoism. It’s a connection to our own soul and divinity. When we nurture this connection within, we begin to heal. It is from this place of healing and wholeness that we can forgive our faults and accept ourselves as perfectly imperfect. In this wholeness, we feel centered, empowered and no longer need to place blame on others or look to external sources for fulfillment. Conversely, if we are filled instead, with self-loathing, we will have only those emotions to project… and that negative mindset not only brings a negative reaction from others, but also squeezes the joy out of life, and makes relationships difficult.
Self-love is important in a partner, for the same reasons! A partner who loves himself/herself will be a better partner because he/she won’t be coming from a place of neediness, looking for you to mend his/her wounds.
5. Don’t Be a Victim—
Life is mysterious, and despite 2500 years of logical philosophy going back to the pre-Socratics, and more than 5000 years of mysticism going back to the Indian Rishis, we don’t have all the answers. To put it mildly, weird shit happens and we don’t know why. So, don’t ask “Why me?” Whatever it is, it’s not personal! Asking will only add to the suffering. It’s as the Zen masters say… “Why wear two heads, when one is enough?”
In other words, the problem alone brings enough suffering. The fretting and lamenting only adds more! Victim mentality only saps the joy out of life. So, let’s enjoy our lot and know that, as I show in my 12 Houses of Suffering, no matter how sparkly someone’s life may look on the outside, you can bet they’re fighting an internal battle that you know nothing about. Don’t fall for the façade. Much better to be grateful for each day and have compassion for one another!
6. Looks Don’t Matter In the Long Run—
Not only will physical beauty fade, but another person’s physical beauty is relative to your feelings for them. Let me explain by way of an example… have you ever noticed that someone who you didn’t originally find attractive, became more beautiful once you got to know them and how wonderful they were? And the opposite is true, as well… someone that you originally thought was stunning became unattractive once you discovered they weren’t very kind? Looks not only fade, but they are totally relative! So, go with the one who thinks the sun rises and sets with you!
7. On Maintaining a Good Weight—
The easiest and healthiest way to control your weight is to simply ditch the nighttime eating. Assuming your morning and midday meals are healthy, just sticking to a light snack, like fruit or veggies in the evening, is not only gentle toward your digestive system, but is also a great secret to losing weight and keeping it off. Anyway, it doesn’t feel good to go to bed with a belly full of heavy food! “Light at night” has been my habit for over 30 years. It doesn’t have to be complicated!
8. Love Is Everything and… We Love According To Our Capacity To Love—
We get into so many conflicts because we hold others to standards and expectations that may not line up with their capacities, tendencies or ways of acting. Our own expectations come from our unique backgrounds and our own ideas and capacities. We all gather notions of what love is supposed to look like, from the way we were raised, the movies we watched growing up and uncountable other influences. This makes us all very different!
So, although your partner may not do the things for you that you had envisioned, it doesn’t mean they love you any less. They probably do other things! And conversely, you might be able find someone who goes through the motions that you have in your mind, but it could very well be superficial. If the action isn’t done from love, it doesn’t mean much… which brings me to the ultimate truth: Love is all that matters. Love is absolutely everything.
9. No need to over-explain—
As a philosopher, this has been an ongoing lesson that I’m still working on. Years of teaching taught me that the most important truths are learned through experience. When I was a young professor, teaching animal welfare and environmental issues, I took my class to The Gentle Barn, in California, where students could hug the rescued animals.
I saw that this moment of love was worth more than five lectures on morality, and why animals deserve to be cared for and protected. If you are a parent or a teacher yourself, I wonder how many other lessons may be better delivered this way…
In another application of this simple principle, sometimes when we want to explain ourselves around a topic that is important to us, we feel we have to stress the point over and over again, to make sure we are heard. But I have found that sometimes stating the point simply and leaving it alone delivers a greater impact.
10. Everything Is a Process—
If you’ve ever lost someone… a pet or a person, you know that grieving is a process. A few months ago, I had to say goodbye to my beloved 15 year old terrier, Marcel… sometimes I’ll be going about my business, then suddenly something reminds me of him, and there are the tears again. I know that it’ll take as long as it takes. Everything is a process, whether we’re talking about grieving, therapy, relationships, building new skills, or spiritual enlightenment.
So, whatever it is, don’t get so focused on the desired outcome, that you miss the ride. This is at the heart of Buddha’s Four Noble Truths. We make ourselves suffer because we mistakenly think that when we satisfy whatever objective we are fixated on, we’ll be all set. And our culture reinforces this fallacy with its emphasis on setting goals. I’m not saying goals are categorically good or bad, but if the goal overshadows our ability to enjoy the process, then it’s not serving us well.
Sometimes our progress in things isn’t noticeable until we look back at our earlier work and we see how far we’ve come. We get so focused on achieving certain levels of success, or getting to a certain place with things, that we miss the journey. So, the lesson is… enjoy the process! Allow the unfolding. Be patient with yourself.
