Adapted from Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life by Judith Orloff MD (Three Rivers Press, 2011)
If you want to see people flip their lids fast, try invading their personal space. What is personal space? In “Emotional Freedom” I emphasize its main aspects. First, it’s the invisible border that surrounds us and sets our comfort level when we interact. Depending on our preferences, it can range from inches to feet and varies with situations, upbringing, and culture. (Elephants have a no-go line of a few feet around them; cross it and you’ll hear a noisy trunkful or be charged.) Studies indicate that most Americans need an arms-length bubble around them. Second, personal space refers to the border that guards your physical and psychic privacy. You can violate it by barging in on your spouse when he or she needs to be alone. Other types of violations can include sound, odors, sneezing on someone if you have a cold, or cyber intrusions such as spam. You can also intrude into someone’s property or turf, a breach that can ignite gang violence or wars between nations.
To better understand your own needs about personal space and respect others’ be aware of the following triggers.
Ten Common Personal Space Intrusions
- 1. Hearing the blather of someone’s cell phone conversation while waiting in line
- 2. Telemarketers
- 3. Loud music, loud people, loud machinery, or loud cars
- 4. A dog lifting its leg preparing to pee on your roses
- 5. Internet cons, schemes and spam
- 6. Gym hogs who won’t let others work out on the equipment
- 7. Air pollution, toxic fumes (for example, car exhaust), strong perfume
- 8. Tailgaters or slow drivers
- 9. A person talking too close in your face or backslapping
- 10. Graffiti and vandalism
Why can personal space intrusions make our blood boil? Aside from being obnoxious, rude, dangerous, or unhealthy, they violate a primitive instinct that we’re not safe or respected. When we experience such violations, our brains actually react as if we were still back in 50,000 BC. Research shows that personal space disputes such as neighbor feuds about overgrown foliage are evolutionarily prompted responses aimed at guarding resources and ensuring survival.
Tips from “Emotional Freedom” to Honor Your Personal Space Needs
When someone intrudes on your personal space, don’t act impulsively. Take a breath. Stay calm. Decide how you want to respond. Sometimes you’ll opt to address the issue directly. If so, it’s most effective to express your needs with an even, non-accusatory or angry tone.
Option 1. Set limits
Talk to your family and friends
We often get short-tempered when we’re overwhelmed. Even a brief escape will relieve pressure and lets you emotionally regroup. Plan regular mini-breaks at home. Tell your kids you need five minutes in the bathroom with the door shut and that they may not intrude. Tell your mate you want to read in a separate room when the television is on. Or set limits with a friend by saying you’d like to refrain from late-night phone calls. Conveying your needs with kindness can lead to more loving relationships.
Speak up with others.
When you have an ongoing interaction with someone, it’s useful to set kind, firm limits–then show appreciation when the offender adheres to them. For instance, in a sweet voice, I asked a man at my gym who’s constantly on his cell phone, though they are banned, to please not use it so others could relax. Initially he snapped, “Well, I wouldn’t want to disturb you!’ but I just smiled back at him and sincerely said, “That is so kind of you, sir. I appreciate it.” Here, sweetness worked. At least around me, he never used the phone again. In some circumstances, though, resolving the conflict might involve more discussion and mutual compromise.
Avoid toxic situations.
Avoid or minimize contact with those who don’t respect your needs. For instance, don’t drive in a car with a rage-aholic. (Anger’s poisonous energy is intensified in cramped spaces). Or don’t travel with someone who’s an obsessively chronic talker if you want to be quiet and unwind.
Option 2. Practice the Zen approach.
Let it be.
Sometimes it’s more aggravation than it’s worth to confront intruders who you’ll never see again. The motor-mouth woman in the airport ticket line. The guy who steals your parking space. One mellow friend told me, “No one cuts me off in traffic anymore because I let everyone in!’ When faced with a “Let it be” scenario, your sense of equanimity is the greatest victory.
View the personal space intruder’s insensitivity with compassion.
Remember:
– They’re usually not doing it to you personally
– Maybe they’re just having a bad day
– They lack the good sense or manners not to intrude
– They’re so egotistical or inconsiderate they’re only concerned for themselves,
a crippling deficit of heart
– If they’re being malicious, it’s a great weakness and darkness within them.
When someone intrudes on your personal space, stick to the high road. Try to remedy the problem using the above tips. It’s tempting to get nasty, which may provide a fleeting release, but it has no real gains. I’m so adamantly against “pay-back” because it’s completely devoid of compassion for the offender or any desire to improve how we humans relate.
