by Andy Charrington: What makes great sex?
For me, it’s the vulnerability of the intimacy, the closeness and trust, the acceptance of the other, the raw passion, intimately knowing another person and them knowing me. It is the pleasure I feel and seeing another receive pleasure from me at the same time.
And those things don’t always happen straight away. Of course, that first night, the roaming hands, the writhing limbs, the excitement of the first touch and the thrill, release and expression of the first time can be mind blowing. And so can the beginnings of a relationship. It’s new and adventurous and full of big dreams and pinned hopes. And it feels great.
But it doesn’t last like that. It’s not supposed to. Those first few weeks or months are a whirlwind of passion and fun and snap decisions and belly flipping.
Because, so what if they don’t want kids and you do? So what if they want it hard and fast and you want to go gentle and slow? Who cares if they want to go back to college and you want to settle down? Who cares if they like toys and you like skin? You’ll work it out later. Those things don’t matter anyway right? Because right now it just feels so good!
We all do it. And there’s nothing wrong with it. Nothing at all. It’s magical in its own way. But the real magic starts when the real work begins. And just the same as back bending, knee wobbling sex, it requires a few things.
*Before we go any further, it’s important to remember the intuition, the spontaneity, the positive thoughtlessness and most importantly, the love. It’s not all heady and logical. In fact it probably shouldn’t be. These things are apparent when we look closer and break things down a bit more.
If I don’t trust you, I’m not going to let you see all of me. I’m not going to let go because I’m scared you will judge me, hurt me, let me down, abuse me. And it’s true for both the bedroom and the heart (which really don’t have to be quite as separate as we so often make them). I have to trust you. And you have to trust me. Because to show me all of you is vulnerable. But without it we’re screwed (or not). But trust is hard. It’s brave. It’s scary. And it’s essential.
Vulnerability is such a big word and means so much. It means humility and selflessness. It means breaking down barriers and dropping the defences. It means being brave enough to be transparent and show who you are, what you like, how you think and what you feel. And in the same way that real magic is created when we tell our secret sexual fantasies and our partner fulfills them with us.
When we express what our needs are in our relationships, having them met by our partner is the most gratifying sort of magic imaginable. But they have to know what we like and what we want before they can do it. And sometimes that takes time to learn, but it’s always about being vulnerable enough to show up just as we are. Honest transparency. And that’s vulnerable.
Great sex doesn’t have to be all about spontaneity. And even when it is, if we are spontaneous whilst knowing the other, it’s better. It just is. I know what turns you on. You know what turns me on. And they are probably different things. But it doesn’t matter. Because once we know those things, doing them isn’t a chore (and if it is, what the heck are you doing?!). Rather, we find our own pleasure in the others. But we have to know first. We have to learn. Our needs, dreams, desires and turn-ons have to be understood for them to be met most of the time. So know me, then blow my mind. And then take me to bed.
Great sex is never great if we are not satisfied. And even if it’s great for us and we are fulfilled, if the other isn’t, you’d have to be some special kind of selfish to not care about that. Because the satisfaction comes from not only being satisfied ourselves, but seeing the satisfaction of the other. And it applies to both the bed and the heart.
We can all go off and do our own thing without our partner and neglect their needs. And whilst we may be satisfied by that, they are not. Remember that special kind of selfish? Enabling mutual satisfaction shouldn’t be about denying any part of ourselves. It shouldn’t be going against any core part of our being and it shouldn’t hurt us to do so. It’s about finding a way through. Because the magic that we make when we put our minds (and hands) to it so that we are both satisfied is a magic reserved for the angels. But it’s not easy. And it involves a lot (and in a way, none at all) of the last point.
Effort (That isn’t really effort at all)
Life isn’t always easy. And love almost always isn’t. In fact there’s no such thing as great lazy love. And there’s no such thing as great lazy sex. Think about what lazy sex means. It means one person doing all the work, all the time. And whilst it’s important to concentrate solely on the other often and with selflessness, too much one way traffic inevitably ends in dissatisfaction and resentment.
Effort in both the bed and the heart actually means no effort at all. Holding back, keeping the defenses up and choosing to think only of yourself actually requires a lot more effort than allowing ourselves to love and be loved fully and without inhibition or selfishness and with humility, passion and empathy. So quit trying so hard to stay safe, accepted, sexy or selfish and put the same effort into letting go and helping your partner to let go.
So make love to my life. Go slowly with my hopes and come along with my dreams. Caress my cares and touch my heart. Go fast with me when life excites me and don’t hold me back when I find something I’m crazy about. Show me your passion, your thrills and pleasures and show me how you want me to meet you there.
Let’s share our deepest desires in candle lit whispers and toast our love with dark red wine. Let’s let our bodies dance in a rythym all our own and let’s writhe in the ecstasy of life whilst taking each other to the edges of our bliss.
Source: Elephant Journal