by Ananda Geri: Let us not go as far as debating if God existed or not but assuming God existed, would God be preoccupied with judging the thoughts I have in my head or the actions I performed in my everyday life. Would God really care if I smoked or not?
Let me begin by quoting the response of my mentor Preethaji, the co founder of One World Academy in response to a seekers question related to the existence of God and the relationship He shares with humankind; ” it is highly irrelevant to discuss about God or His whereabouts if you are in a state of suffering right now. A discussion about God is not going to end your suffering. A subject more worthy to ponder upon would be, what is it that I could possibly do to put an end to this inner misery of mine. I am not suggesting the non-existence of a higher intelligence but If one is preoccupied with questions like who or what God is or the thought of what opinion god carried about you, where is the space in your mind to love? If all your effort is invested in sustaining a particular belief or an idea, are you actually present to be able to connect with the other? Are you growing to be a more considerate and loving human being? Love and compassion arise from a place of inner freedom and joy and not when you are obsessed with the idea of God or any other idea for that matter”.
Our society with all its religious and spiritual structures is forcing one into a state of constant becoming. We have become idealists lost in the pursuit of a perfect mind that is devoid of any jealousy, comparison, fear, anger or judgment. We have in fact become quite obsessed with wanting to think only virtuous thoughts and filling our minds with only noble emotions. When we fail to to do so, we feel ashamed of ourselves and we are at war with ourselves; with our thoughts and emotions. Who are we trying to please by achieving this so called perfect mind?
Are we answerable to anyone for our thoughts or emotions?
We are of course answerable for our actions to the governing institutions that aim at establishing order in our society. As a responsible citizen of the world it is necessary that one assumes responsibility for one’s actions and be watchful of one’s actions so as to not bring any harm to fellow human beings, but to constantly be policing our thoughts and be in judgment of them may prove to be more destructive than constructive. When subjected to this constant pressure of inner becoming, one may in fact end up performing untowardly actions that will hurt oneself and possibly even others around us.
If we lived our whole life trying to please some Entity that we have never even met, is that Living at all? Is it even possible to achieve such a perfect mind? Is it even necessary to achieve such a mind in order to find peace or happiness? Why this conflict between the ‘what is’ and the ‘what should be’ ?
This shame and guilt would not only destroy us internally but will eventually bring destruction to the other as well. Who really cares what your thoughts are! If you are at peace and not at war with yourself, you are more likely to perform right action.
Living in a society that is constantly comparing one with another, is it even possible not be conflicted? Added to this, there is the pressure of our spiritual/religious structures that have defined the right way of being which torments us even more. When the internal pressure of having to think in a particular way and be a particular person becomes too much, we are then forced to engage our minds and bodies in activities that would help us distract from this deep discomfort we feel with ourselves. We have to find an escape. Some choose to smoke, some choose to drink their way out of that discomfort while some might even choose addictive substances. This causes more shame causing us to indulge in it even more.
Of course, we cannot rule out the possibility that one might choose nobler ways of distraction; which too can cause conflict. Let us not go into that right now.
Allow me to share with you the story of a woman I met with some years ago in Italy- her beliefs, her conflicts, her pain, her shame and her journey to freedom. A story that will illustrate to us the healing power of awareness.
In the summer of 2006 I visited Milan, Italy for a three day spiritual seminar. It was the first time I was visiting Italy and this was also the first of a series of spiritual seminars i was to be conducting in Western Europe. I was quite thrilled to be in Italy although the city of Milan itself was not particularly exciting. The seminar venue was pretty nice, set amidst a beautiful garden with fully grown trees. There were about 350 people attending the event and they all seemed quite happy with the way the seminar was unfolding. The morning session of the first day had just concluded and it was about time for us to take a break for lunch. This is Italy and one cannot afford to mess around with lunch timings here! Without any further delay, I wished them Bon appetite and left the stage to take a short walk in the garden. I needed some sun to help me with my jet lag, I had to be fresh for my next session which was starting in two hours.
I strolled around the garden enjoying the warmth of the sun. Few participants from the seminar were strolling around as well enjoying the sun before they walked inside the building for their lunch. Sunny days with clear blue skies are a luxury in this part of the world and they didn’t want to miss it.
A woman from the seminar who was in the garden saw me walk towards her and quickly hid something behind her. It took a moment for me to realize, what she had been attempting to hide from me was a cigarette she was smoking. I did see her smoke as i walked towards her but it never occurred to me that it could cause her such discomfort that she would want to hide it from me. Why would my presence bother her so much? It was evident from her facial expression that she was feeling embarrassed. I felt helpless too as I didn’t know what to do. I was already right there and it was too late for me to change my path and walk in another direction and if i did that i was pretty sure, it would have embarrassed her even more. Could there be a reason that significant that she would feel so ashamed for such a simple act of smoking a cigarette around me? She was not disregarding the rules of the venue; this garden was meant for public enjoyment purposes and smoking here was totally within the rights of the individual. It was not like she smoked right at my face either; I happened to walk by as she smoked. If I was uncomfortable with smoke, I should be choosing to walk in a different direction. There was no need for her to so abruptly stop smoking, hide her cigarette or feel ashamed.
What were the thoughts running through her head? Was she worried about what i thought of her? Why did my impressions of her matter so much to her, I was just another human being like herself. Why would she judge herself with such harshness for an act that inconvenienced none? Was she scared of her thoughts? Was she trying to please someone with her so called good thoughts and noble actions? May be this is not the first time she feels ashamed with herself. May be she feels this shame everyday, with her friends, with her family, with the priest of her local church or temple or may be even with the stranger. May be she feels this sense of shame not just for this one act of smoking but probably feels it everyday as innumerable thoughts pass through her head. May be she feels it every time she performs an action that she believes is not virtuous enough. May be she believes that feeling shame or guilt is the way she would endear herself to God. May be she believes guilt is the path to transform her thoughts and actions. May be this emotion of guilt has become a habit or possibly even an addiction.
If she was so preoccupied with thoughts of how the world perceived her, was she living at all? With this obsession to please some entity in the distant heavens, can she really connect with the ones that actually surround her? Why would she inflict such unnecessary misery upon herself when there is no reason to suffer at all. These were some of the thoughts that ran through my head as I stood there watching the embarrassed look on her face.
I didn’t want to stay there too long lest she burn her fingers. She was still holding the cigarette in her hands behind her back. I wanted her to feel at ease and so I initiated a casual conversation with her. Unsure if she spoke any english at all, I asked her to introduce herself but luckily she spoke some which was just about enough for the brief conversation we had. She said that she was from Majorca, Spain. She also mentioned that she wanted to quit smoking and transform herself. By now she was relaxed enough to let go of the cigarette from her hands and drop it to the ground. I did not know what I could have done to help her in that short period of time. I wanted to help but also felt helpless. I just remarked to her “do you really think god cares if you smoked or not? May be, your doctor cares” and I excused myself to return to the seminar room. I didn’t have a chance to meet her again till the end of the seminar. In fact, I didn’t meet her until much later.
A year later, I had visited Stockholm to conduct a seminar; similar to the one I did in Italy the previous year. The venue for the event was located near the beautiful Stockholm city harbor. We had people attending the event from all over Europe and all the attendees seemed to like the place very much; especially the ones who were visiting Stockholm for the first time. It gave them a chance to explore the city during their free time. It was barely an hour since we commenced the seminar and we witnessed something hilarious & also deeply moving at the same time. The entire room was silenced at once. A woman seated at the very back of the hall frantically started to wave her hand at me. I paused and everyone’s attention turned towards the lady. In a loud voice, she said “do you recognize me, I am the lady from Majorca. I am the lady who smokes”. People in the room didn’t know what to make of what she spoke, but I understood. She was the woman I met at the seminar in Milan almost a year ago. I was pleasantly surprised to see her here. I did remember her and I responded to her with a nod. I asked her as to what brought her to Stockholm and her reply was “did you know I quit smoking, I don’t smoke any longer”. Her answer did not seem to be connected to my question in any way although I understood where she was coming from. She was excited and happy and I was very happy for her as well. The last time I met her, she was still a chain smoker and had been that way for more than two decades.
She certainly looked a very transformed person now and I had to ask her about this dramatic shift in her life. As always every inner journey has to begin with a moment of inner reflection and so did hers.
” I am certain you still remember the sight of that embarrassed look I had on my face when we met at the seminar in Italy almost an year ago. You made a remark as you walked away “DOES GOD REALLY CARE IF YOU SMOKED OR NOT, MAY BE YOUR DOCTOR CARES”. You sounded casual the way you spoke it and I didn’t bother to understand it either. Later in the day after we concluded the seminar for the day, I was taking a walk again and pulled out a cigarette to smoke. I started to look around to check if any one was watching me. I noticed that it was an involuntary habitual reaction. I was quite shocked to see this same reaction happen to me over and over again. It didn’t matter anymore, what my surroundings were or which part of the world I lived in. The very thought of smoking or a cigarette in my hand triggered an instant sense of shame in me. This sudden awareness of my pitiable state of mind forced me to enquire in to the question, did God really care whether I smoked or not. I now dared to ask questions like ‘who is God to me? Why does the very thought of God cause such shame and guilt in me? How do I know that there is any truth to my beliefs? Just because my parents, my grandparents and a billion other people adhere to a particular belief, should I blindly follow the same?’. I realized that I had a very frightening idea of God, a God who is constantly monitoring every thought and action of mine. I just could not comprehend that someone so loving could be so judgmental. The more I questioned, the more I saw my stupidity and greater was the freedom I felt. I realized that the idea of God I carried caused so much shame in me about everything I did, all my thoughts and actions. I felt such deep discomfort within me. I had to find a way to manage this discomfort and smoking was the path I chose to avoid this discomfort. The more I smoked, the more shame I felt which caused even more discomfort and I ended up smoking even more to avoid this discomfort. This was a vicious cycle with no end. As I questioned my perception of God, my views were transformed. I no more felt shame. I didn’t believe anymore that I had to live my whole life trying to please some one in some distant heaven. For the first time I felt responsible for my actions. I felt free and I had no more the urge to smoke. It was this sense of shame that had all along fuelled my urge to smoke. With the shame gone, my urge to smoke left me too. My health is much better now and I am a much happier person. Sometimes my friends ask me what if I developed an urge to smoke again, honestly I don’t know and I don’t even care. I am a responsible person now and this is not a responsibility arising from fear, shame or guilt. I now feel responsible because I care about my own health and happiness and my environment and not because someone is watching me. If I feel the urge to smoke again, I will deal with it when it happens. I now have the faith that I can get past that urge with ease. Well I don’t have to go on and on, you know what I mean and I know you are happy for my transformation. Thank you”.
Some of us were wise enough to realize the suffocation caused by religion and its beliefs and opted ourselves out of it’s rigidities. We looked for a new path that would set us free, a path that did not bind us to any particular ideology. We named this new path “the spiritual way” but little did we know that we would end up with the same inner struggles that we once experienced with religion. We created new spiritual ideologies like “spiritual life”, “spiritual enlightenment”, “selflessness”, “unconditional love”, “unconditional joy” etc and we may find ourselves being lost in the same becoming again. While we may have liked to believe that we have embarked on a new journey towards freedom, sadly we didn’t realize that it was only a movement from one form of becoming to another; from religious becoming to a new spiritual becoming. We just moved from one prison to another although the new prison feels a little more spacious to some! Where is freedom in this? We rejected religion and embraced spirituality because we wanted to experience freedom but have we found it yet?
Freedom is not in following a particular path or belief.
Freedom is not in moving from one belief system to another.
Freedom is not in replacing one thought with another.
Freedom is not in the ending of all thought either.
Freedom is an experience that happens in awareness; it is not dependent on anyone or anything outside of us.
The question I would like to leave us with again;
CAN I OBSERVE MY MIND WITH ALL IT’S FEARS, JEALOUSY, ANGER, JUDGEMENTS, COMPARISON, HATE, SELF-CENTREDNESS, ETC AND NOT BE THREATENED BY WHAT I SEE?
If you can observe your mind with all it’s contents and not be afraid of it, you are then a free person indeed. But in order to bring this awareness to your inner self, you will need courage and a commitment to live free, or else there is every possibility that you might find yourself pursuing some utopian idea instead.
A moment of awareness can heal years of pain. A moment of awareness can help you break free of any destructive habit, both physical and psychological habits. Awareness is an extraordinary human capacity, call it a divine capacity if you would. Living a life of awareness is the surest way to freedom.
Ananda Giri: Senior Faculty Teacher at One World Academy
