by Carl Greer, PhD, PsyD: Do you avoid conflict at all costs?

If you’ve experienced trauma or have unhealed wounds, you may have so much difficulty with conflict that you actually end up causing greater pain and distress for yourself and others because of your conflict avoidance. When it comes to relationships, partnerships, and group projects, you might put off making a crucial but controversial decision, having an important but potentially difficult conversation, or taking a necessary action that might upset someone. Then, despite your efforts to avoid hurting yourself or others, you might end up in a worse situation.

Do you avoid conflict at all costs? If you’ve experienced trauma or have unhealed wounds, you may have so much difficulty with conflict that you actually end up causing greater pain and distress for yourself and others because of your conflict avoidance. When it comes to relationships, partnerships, and group projects, you might put off making a crucial but controversial decision, having an important but potentially difficult conversation, or taking a necessary action that might upset someone. Then, despite your efforts to avoid hurting yourself or others, you might end up in a worse situation.

However, by working effectively with the archetypal Warrior energy-your inner warrior-you can begin to write a new story about conflict in your life. You can begin to experience the Warrior differently, and even view past conflicts in a new light. Doing so can lead to a new story for yourself that is more satisfying. Begin by looking at how the Warrior lives within you and better understanding this archetypal energy.

Does the word “warrior” make you think of war and violence? In fact, the warrior god Ares in Greek mythology was associated with discord, strife, and was hated by most of the gods, even his own parents, Zeus and Hera, who thought him cowardly and murderous. By Roman times, the new mythology portrayed Mars more favorably, as a god of agriculture who was involved in the founding of new towns. The truth is that when you take action to create something new, you may have to experience conflict and draw on warrior energy. To start a new project, you might have to confront those who will not give up any power or resources, and face obstacles that have an unpredictable effect on you, such as financial fluctuations or budget constraints. You may have to assert your need to be heard, and that requires being willing to engage in a conflict or confrontation. Gentle persuasion may not always be enough if your adversary is dismissive of how important it is to you to bring about change.

If your story is “I’m a lover, not a fighter,” and you avoid conflict, you may be too eager to please others, so much so that you make too many compromises and actually end up displeasing everyone including yourself. Change has to happen. Conflict has to happen. And some people need to be pushed out of their comfort zone. That push may have to be somewhat forceful. Remember that the theme or story of “I’m a lover, not a fighter” can easily become the story “I’m a people pleaser, always unhappy and disappointing people anyway.”

Is it hard for you to imagine yourself as a warrior without thinking of pain, destruction, or even violence? For some, even the word “conflict” induces tension and resistance, but it’s important to accept that we all have to experience discomfort and even loss and anger at times. Of course, you don’t want anyone to get hurt. The Warrior does not have to battle or fight in a way that inflicts deep wounds or destruction. However, battles in life are inevitable, and if you try to avoid them, you may well find that they appear anyway. Learn to work with your inner warrior and your conflicts can be less painful and more productive.

To overcome your fear of conflict, remember that pain, loss, and suffering may feel awful when you experience them, but out of them often comes new growth and insights as well as deeper intimacy between two people. A married couple that has had many disagreements and even fights over the years will often say they have greater trust and more security in the relationship than they did early in the relationship before they hadn’t experienced much conflict with each other. Postponing indefinitely a conversation or decision with your partner in order to avoid a conflict is simply planting a seed for greater discord. Yet becoming Ares-like and confronting your partner with emotional intensity isn’t necessarily the best way to work with the Warrior energy. Avoid conflict and you may find the Warrior energy within you gets expressed in an unhealthy way, through passive-aggressive behavior or cruelty and harshness.

Acknowledge the Warrior within you and let it become a force of action. Let it take the form of a willingness to claim new territory for yourself, to break through obstacles, and to push back against a force that threatens to cause you pain and discomfort. Strive against the pressure to sacrifice more than is good or healthy for you.

If you acknowledge, confront, learn from, and work with the Warrior archetype that lives within you, you may well develop more harmonious, respectful relationships and be better able to maintain healthy boundaries with others. Dr. Jigoro Kano, the founder of modern-day judo, has said that martial arts training develops a transpersonal awareness-in other words, a better understanding of where you end and another person begins, and where needs are in conflict. He also said that such training leads to a desire for interpersonal harmony and respect for others. Being a warrior does not have to mean fighting in a negative way that creates suffering.

When have you been too passive in your life? Did it lead you to become passive-aggressive, or inadvertently cruel or harsh? How did passivity and unwillingness to face conflict and be a warrior ultimately affect your relationships with others? And would you like to write a better story about your relationships and how you work with the Warrior archetype?

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Source: Om Times