by Liz McCollum Lord: Orgasm. It’s a wonderful thing, and a part of what makes sex fun…
Yet for many women, orgasm is also elusive. Statistics vary somewhat – some say that only 25% of women can achieve orgasm through intercourse alone. Some experts say that 10% of all women have never experienced orgasm at all. Whatever the numbers, many women will find themselves asking the question “Why can’t I orgasm?” at some point in their lives. Yoga is often touted as a great way to improve your sex life, and Kundalini yoga has a wealth of teachings about sex to draw from. Yogi Bhajan recommended that a man should bring his partner to orgasm before he allows himself to orgasm, and taught men ways to extend their sexual stamina in order to achieve this. If a man has an orgasm before the woman, Yogi Bhajan instructed that the man should then ensure that the woman has several orgasms. While this is certainly a wonderful goal, some women have such difficulty achieving orgasm that this can create a feeling of pressure to “perform.” If women feel pressure or frustration, it can make the ability to orgasm more difficult to achieve. So how can you use the teachings of yoga for sex positively?
Know thyself. First off, it’s helpful to understand what might be going on that is preventing you from orgasming regularly, or at all. Svadhyaya (or self-knowledge) is one of the niyamas taught by Patanjali, after all. Reflect on your life, your previous sexual experiences and relationships, the things you’ve learned about sex, and see how the pieces of the puzzle come together to inform your current sex life. A licensed therapist can be very helpful in this regard.
Communication. Women frequently find it difficult to communicate their wants, needs, and desires. There are many reasons why this could be the case. Perhaps as a child you absorbed the idea that women should be “nice” and not make a fuss. Or maybe you spent time around very dominant and outspoken people, never allowing you to get a word in edgewise. You might just be shy by nature, and feel nervous when you are called upon to speak your truth. Whatever the reason, an inability to communicate effectively affects all areas of life. If you find it difficult to tell your partner what you like and don’t like, you might consider some exercises and practices to improve your communication. Try the “Naad Meditation to Communicate Your Honest Self” in the I Am A Woman yoga manual, or do some chanting to help open up your throat chakra. Make a vow to yourself that you will speak truthfully. Try writing things down if saying them out loud is difficult.
Relaxation. For men, orgasm is almost entirely a physical response to sexual stimulation. For women, the mind plays a much more vital role in the process. If you are frequently tired and stressed, it will be more difficult to experience orgasm, or arousal in general. Take time to relax and unwind each day. It might take the form of journaling while in a hot bubble bath, or asking your partner to rub your back while you talk about your day, or requesting extra help with household duties so that you share a more equal load. Restorative yoga postures are wonderful for relaxing the body and soothing the mind. And maintaining a regular meditation practice, even just a few minutes a day, can help to keep your mind relaxed and at peace. Guru Rattana’s book Transitions to a Heart Centered World has a number of wonderful kriyas and meditations to help relax the body and open the heart.
Mind-Body Connection. As mentioned above, the mind plays a huge role in women’s sexual experience. But it can also hinder your sexual experience. If you are too much “in your head” you might not be fully present in your body, and able to enjoy the physical sensations of intercourse. Taking part in activities that help to strengthen your connection to your body can be very helpful in strengthening your connection to your body. Then your mind will be able to work with the sensations you are feeling to make the experience even more pleasurable. I would especially recommend yoga, but you could also run, dance, swim, or anything else that you enjoy.
Clearing the past. Yogic teachings say that a woman’s aura and arcline can carry the imprint of past lovers long after they have left her life. Whether or not you believe this to be literally true, it’s hard to deny that the people in our lives impact us strongly, and affect the way we view things for years or decades. Whether it’s previous intimate relationships or lessons about sexuality we received as children from the adults in our lives, our past influences our present. There are many yogic practices that can help us to break free of subconscious ideas and subtle connections, so that we can experience joy and freedom in our lives now. You might try Kirtan Kriya, a meditation for the Arcline, or a kriya for the aura. Divine Relationships has some excellent suggestions for kriyas and meditations to clear your past experiences.
Men, here are just a few suggestions for ways that you can help your partner to have a more physically satisfying sexual experience:
-Encourage her to talk to you. Offer her a non-judgmental space to express herself, both in and out of the bedroom. You might even encourage her to speak to a licensed sex therapist, or go with her to couples counseling, to learn ways to enhance your communication and relationship.
-Help her to relax. If you aren’t already, take on some additional household chores so that she has more time to rest. Encourage her to spend time with friends, or on a hobby she enjoys. The more relaxed she is mentally and emotionally, the more she’ll be able to relax and enjoy sex.
-When intimate, take plenty of time to get her in the mood. Yogi Bhajan taught that massage is an excellent form of foreplay, and that there are 9 areas of a woman’s body which can be stimulated sequentially in order to fully arouse her. It might also be helpful to learn about the fundamentals of the female anatomy, so that you are more informed about how to stimulate your partner.
-Don’t pressure her to have an orgasm. When women feel pressured, it can create mental blocks that can make orgasm nearly impossible. Instead, put emphasis on having fun in intimate moments. Affirm to her that you want her to enjoy herself and feel good, and there is no pressure for anything else. It might seem counter-intuitive, but taking the emphasis off of orgasm can actually make orgasm more likely.
The book The Art of Making Sex Sacred is a wonderful resource for yogic teachings on sex. It is full of information, kriyas, meditations, and other suggestions for developing and maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex life with your partner.
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