by David Deida: She is enjoying our sexing. She is happy, smiling, moaning. She has one, two, three orgasms, each a little deeper. But something is missing: she is still there…
Her character remains. Her personality endures. But I want both of us gone in love. I want love to magnify beyond the sharing of two friends. I want our sexing to be an utter disappearance in the fullness of love, beyond the satisfactory enjoyment of two people rubbing bodies and sharing emotions. And, to invite this gasp of sudden vanishment, I need her openness. I need her to open so wide that I am drawn beyond my personality’s effort and desire. Then, she and I will be vanished in the bright chasm of love.
I know she wants this as much as I do. I know that her deepest sexual need is to be obliterated in the force of love. To be
smithereened in love. And so I stop at nothing.
I remain sensitive to her. I breathe with her, and then breathe us through any membrane of separation, until the one of our loving breathes wide as God. I move with her, and then move us through a dance of perfect synchrony until no effort remains to remember us.
The way I move my hips with her, breathe my belly against hers, and look into her eyes are all aligned with my desire to annihilate our tension of separate self in a super-saturation of loving. She wants this, and so she participates fully, sometimes leading, sometimes following, always loosing her hold on all edges. And thus we dissolve—smiling, moaning, weeping—in the open bliss of heartrending sexual embrace. She has willingly surrendered, I have willingly surrendered, without hold, into love.
Your motive for sex determines its outcome. Don’t stop at physical pleasure, so that you are spent in the grunt of neural upheaval. Don’t stop at emotional sharing, so that you are known only in the coo of each other’s smooch and tear. Don’t settle for sensual and emotional completion. Go through every shudder and word to the point of no return. Go so far that your partner is disappeared in the intensity of love your sexing generates. Obliterate your partner in love.
Your partner’s disappearance is your invitation to follow. Why hold back? Give yourself to love itself, without a shred of you remaining. Die completely into the loving. When you return, when your sense of self is recollected, you will be refreshed through and through, washed awake by the innocence lying wide on the other side of surrender.
To obliterate your woman in love sexually, penetrate her in three ways simultaneously: physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Penetrate her physically by entering her body with yours, when she is ready to receive you. Practice many styles of penetrative thrust, deep and shallow, fast and slow, filling her with the warmth and force of your body, remaining sensitive to her responses moment by moment. You have achieved the fullness of physical penetration when you move in perfect synchrony with her, like two dancers woven together in effortless grace and sensual magic. It is as if her body has become your body.
Penetrate her emotionally by entering her heart with yours. First, practice feeling your own emotions while having sex. Many men are so overwhelmed by the physical pleasure of sex that they aren’t even aware they have emotions! So often the area around your heart. Soften your belly as well as your chest. As the front of your body relaxes, feel as if you are melting into your woman, body to body.
Spiritual penetration involves pervading her body with your consciousness. This is very difficult to describe in words but is an unmistakable and tangible experience. Your consciousness is who you are most fundamentally. It is the depth of your being, the openness of your awareness, the nature of your feeling, attention, and perception. Consciousness comes through your very soul; it is deeper and wider than your soul. It is the self or cognizant space of everything, of the entire universe, inside and out. With practice, you can develop your capacity to penetrate your woman with the force of consciousness itself.
Strictly speaking, consciousness itself isn’t a force; it is the nature of existence. All forces arise in it. Nevertheless, as a lover, you can infuse your actions with consciousness or perform them mechanically. For instance, your breath can be either full or bereft of consciousness, and your woman can easily feel the difference. In fact, with practice, you can bring your woman to orgasm through the force of consciousness alone, transmitted through your breath and intention, with no physical penetration whatsoever.
You cannot sexually transmit consciousness if you are distracted. Your awareness must be fully attuned to you and your lover in the present moment. At first, focus and concentrate your awareness. Practice being present by not being somewhere else. Rather than thinking about your schedule tomorrow, focus your awareness on your body and your woman’s body, on your breath and your woman’s breath.
When you focus awareness in this way you are pointing consciousness. When you pay attention to your breath, for instance, you are not paying attention to the feel of the bedsheets or the fragrance of your lover’s neck. Bringing your awareness to a point in this way is a good first step.
The next step is to allow the point to relax as a field of consciousness that includes everything. When you enter your woman with focused attention and pointed consciousness, it is like entering her with a normal penis: it gets the job done. But when you pervade your woman with the entire field of consciousness, it is like ravishing her with the force of the universe from the depth of your soul.
It is important to understand that consciousness is already pervading your woman, as well as everything else. You need not struggle to do anything. Simply feel as the consciousness that is already the very nature of yourself, your woman, the bed, and even the walls. Relax your “point” of attention so you rest as this open “field” of consciousness. This may sound abstract before you actually practice it, but your woman’s response will be immediate.
While making love with your woman, practice pervading her with your consciousness step by step. First, carefully penetrate her physically, with your “flesh-penis.” Then, lovingly penetrate her emotionally, with your “heart-penis.” Then, practice gathering your awareness into the present moment, so that you are exquisitely attuned to every nuance of your body and her body, your breath and her breath. When you are able to stay totally present and aware of both you and your partner while also entering her with your body and heart, you are ready to practice penetrating her with consciousness.
Feel forward into her with your whole body. In other words, feel into the space in front of you, which includes her body. Then feel into the space behind you, as if you were sensing the walls, objects, and air that are behind your back. Feel to your left and right, up and down. Feel outward in all directions, until everything is within your relaxed sphere of awareness. Do not focus on any particular thing. Allow your awareness to remain open, loose, full, and spacious, like an ocean of clarity pervading the room.
Then feel beyond the room. Feel the whole house and the entire city. Listen to the farthest sound your can hear. Sense the millions of people all around the world. Do not concentrate on anything, but allow your open feeling-consciousness to include everything, effortlessly.
Continue feeling outward, beyond the entire earth, to include the moon, sun, and stars. Actually relax the “point” of your consciousness so much that without paying particular attention to anything, you feel as the entire universe, appearing in the ocean of open consciousness, made of its “water.”
Remain sensitive, clear, and attentive to what is happening all around you, but not too focused on any one thing. It is something like being a football or basketball player. A good athlete has sensors feeling out in all directions so he can respond to players on his left and right, to his front and back; he can sense the location of his many teammates and opponents as they move across the field or on the far side of the court, still keeping the goal in mind and not dropping the ball.
In the same way, practice to remain totally present with your lover— exquisitely present to her every emotional shift and energetic flow— while simultaneously feeling outward without limits, relaxing attention as the depth of being while feeling outward in all directions so that your awareness coincides with the entire field of open consciousness. This takes practice, as does any art or skill.
When you are able to remain present with your woman while also relaxing as your deep being spread wide as the space around you, then you are ready to “fuck” your woman with the force of consciousness. (Throughout this book, we will unfold the word “fuck” far beyond its profane street use to help reveal how our deepest spiritual desires are often enfolded even in our most vulgar sexual expressions.)
Just as you felt outward to infinity with your awareness, now breathe to infinity. Combine your breath with your feeling. Breathe your woman, as if your breath were actually pumping her lungs. Breathe the space behind you, as if your breath circulated through the walls, objects, and air behind your back. Inhale and exhale through the entire sphere of awareness, left and right, up and down, forward and back. When your breathing and feeling coincide with your deep being spread wide as the entire field of open consciousness, penetrate your woman with it.
Feel as if the entire field of being has been gathered together through your breath, and breathe through your woman, like a huge thunderbolt of consciousness inhaling and exhaling through her every cell. In addition to entering her with your flesh and heart, penetrate her with the force of consciousness itself, guided by your breath and love. Rest as open being itself, coincident with the entire field of consciousness, full of its depth and power, obliterating your woman by impregnating and blooming her with this force, pervading her body, heart, and spirit.
You will know you are doing this when your woman surrenders in openness completely, gone in the force of blissful fullness, vanished in the ecstasy of boundless love. She can allow herself to surrender fully because she feels the depth of your consciousness. She can trust you because you are so present, so open, so sensitive to her. She feels the massive love-force of the entire field of consciousness pervading her and opening her. She happily lets go and swoons in the absolute love she has always wanted to receive, the same love that flows from her deep heart, magnified by sexual surrender in the effortless surge of deep being.
The way to a man’s heart is actually through a place quite lower than his stomach; his penis is his bodily root. The flower of his heart opens widest when his root is planted deep in your body.
We are not discussing the mediocre lover. For him, the penis is simply an appendage of pleasure, a sensitive tongue or finger with which to enjoy your juicy friction. But as a man continues growing in his sexual capacity, his penis can help ground his consciousness in his body and yours.
Most men tend toward being heady and disembodied. Your man probably thinks, plans, and mulls things over in his head all day. Then, for a few moments of sex with you at night, his energy goes to his genitals, from whence it spews. You might enjoy this time with your man; for a few minutes at least, he isn’t glued to work or TV. Your sexual ministrations draw him briefly into his body, where he feels a lot more present with you than when he was in his head.
When a man first starts practicing to grow sexually, he will probably be rather heady—if only because he is trying so hard not to be. He exerts effort from his head. He tries to breathe right, remain “conscious,” and stay present with you, all from his head. The antidote to this is your dance on his penis.
Nothing brings a man into his body faster than a firm yank or wet pull on his root. (Most men over thirty years old need direct genital stimulation to achieve and maintain an erection.) There certainly are times for motionless loving and gentle touch, but there are also times for a healthy grasp with your vagina, mouth, ass, or hand. Most women touch their man’s genitals too lightly, too hesitantly. Grab him firmly and really pump him. As he approaches ejaculation, slow down or stop so he doesn’t ejaculate. Let him relax for a few moments before continuing.
Create an arc of energy between his head and genitals so that his heart is aroused. Remember that it takes great practice for most men to open their heart while having sex. Your stimulation should be intense enough to keep him in his body rather than in his head, thinking about what he is supposed to be doing to be a “superior lover.”
To prevent a premature ending to the sexual occasion, remain sensitive enough to slow down or stop the stimulation before he ejaculates, and then rev it back up as his penis begins to soften. You will only open his heart as wide as yours. If you are pumping his penis mechanically, he will simply gasp and spew. But if your body is surrendered open and your heart is fully exposed, then as you draw him down from his head into his body your love will resonate his love.
The art of deep sex lies in your capacity to relax in your body and receive your lover so deeply that he is drawn beyond himself into your love. Open yourself as love so wide that he falls into you, over and over. He will try to pull himself back, to get control, to practice some technique or another. All the while, you are plying his root, drawing him back into his body, and opening your heart and body as wide as you are willing to trust, evoking his fledgling love with the power of yours.
Naturally, you want your man to love you during sex. But he must first learn to decondition his masturbatory habits of mental sexual fantasy. To help him stay present and in relationship with you during sex, remember that most men find a woman’s pleasure more attractive than their own.
When men watch a stripper dance on stage or an actress have sex in an erotic movie, they are most turned on by her display of pleasure. To you, her exaggerated moans and pelvic self-pleasuring may seem ridiculous. To most men, her responsiveness and sexual delight are entrancing. (Remember that the exaggeratedly suave or charismatic presence of your favorite movie actor—the leading man who entrances you and makes you swoon—seems equally ridiculous to your man.) Whereas women are most turned on by a man’s depth of presence, men are most turned on by a woman’s radiance and energy: how she moves, moans, smiles, and opens in love.
What men get from a good sex show is the energy of feminine openness. Watching a bored woman have sex is no turn-on at all. Watching a woman touch herself with the enthusiasm of a dead fish is not interesting. But when a man beholds a woman who is truly enjoying her feminine sexual embodiment, he is smitten. His attention becomes absorbed in the radiance of her happiness and pleasure.
A good actress or dancer can give a man this feminine energy, just like a good actor’s presence can make you swoon or weep. True acting is a real art; the emotions expressed are authentic. To offer a man the gift of your feminine energy, relax into your authentic openness and pleasure, then allow your body to be moved by the deep flow of bliss.
Your feminine energy and your man’s masculine presence can grow in strength together. As he becomes more and more skilled at pervading you with his penis, heart, and the force of his consciousness, sex will become boring for him unless your capacity to open in pleasure grows equally strong—just as you will be disappointed if your unbridled bliss is met with his half-cocked distraction. As he practices permeating you with love-consciousness, practice absorbing him in the fullness of your love-energy.
Relax, open, and trust the sexual pleasure that moves through your body. Your natural desire to surrender your heart in love draws your man’s consciousness into you, just as the natural form of your feminine body draws his penis into you. Then, if you continue to open and surrender as love, he is drawn entirely beyond his fears, surrendering with you as a shared openness, both of you undone in love.
The bliss of this mutual sexual surrender is intense beyond words. It far exceeds your need for emotional reassurance from your man. Your childhood needs for security and adoration are entirely dissolved in deep heart-bliss, a love beyond personal acceptance.
Likewise, his need for physical gratification or mere stress release is yielded into love. He is drawn to you in a way that opens his heart in absolute vulnerability; commingled with you in body, heart, and spirit, he realizes he has nothing to fear. He can let down his effort, unguard his heart, and surrender in love with you for real—without holding back.
Keep his penis hard and your heart open so that he has the opportunity to yield into your soft convulsions of pleasure like a tongue entering the skin of a juicy peach. Your natural feminine flavor—who you are when you are full of sex, relaxed as bliss-body, radiant with the energy of love—attracts him more than anything on earth. When his depth of consciousness matches your brightness of love, all boundaries dissolve between tongue and peach.