by Mary O’Malley: When I was young, I experienced some of the deepest, darkest places that a human mind can know…

I then got lost in what I call my black ball of struggle that was made up of all the unmet pain I experienced in my life. It was full of fear and judgment, and it took me to a place of helplessness, hopelessness and despair (I call it my “no way out place”). I tried to fix it, understand it, get rid of it and rise above it. When that didn’t work (in fact it only made the ball of struggle stronger), I tried to drink it away, eat it away, and use drugs to try to stop feeling the pain. When I was 27 years old, I finally learned that all of these attempts at trying to fix myself only caused more struggle.

I began to understand that the way out of the black ball wasn’t in trying to make myself be any different than I was. Instead, I saw the phenomenal power of simply bringing my attention, in a kind and loving way, to all of the parts that had created this very dark place I had lived in for so long. And for a moment here and a moment there, I would pop out of the ball and see that there truly was a whole world happening right outside of this ball of struggle, a world that was my true home.

Whenever I would be drawn back into the world of struggle in my mind, it was so painful because I now knew there was something beyond it. Then I would get curious about what was showing up inside of me and as I did this, I would find myself immediately opening into the place of greater space. At times, I still get sucked into the ball, but then my curiosity comes and I can find the vast spaciousness around whatever I am experiencing. The more I live in the space that surrounds the black ball of struggle, the more I show up for Life, not as I want it to be, but exactly as it is, even though it is sometimes very painful. When I become curious about what is happening in the moment rather than trying to make it different than it is, I can relax into Life and see that it is truly a trustable process. It is definitely not likable at times, but it is trustable.

I have come to realize that it was absolutely necessary for me to live in the black ball of struggle and to find my way out in order to guide others through their particular brand of struggle in order to discover the pathway back into a joyous, trust-filled connection with Life. I have been on my own path of awakening for over 40 years now, and I still visit the black ball from time to time when my life gets really challenging. When I am stretched to my core (like when both of my children are dealing with serious health issues), I find myself slipping back into the stories in my mind. The fear and despair of watching my children suffer can be very intense, and yet when I come to the realization that I am identifying with my stories, I know I have not only left myself, but I am not present for my children either. I can usually recognize very quickly when this happens and I begin to acknowledge it and bring it great heart. Only then am I able to free myself from my black ball of struggle and come back into being present for Life exactly as it is!