(One of) My Stories—
by Donna Quesada: I remember my grandparents knocking on our apartment door, “There’s been an accident,” they said, sounding rushed and panicked. “Our car is still running… we have to go.” Somehow I understood that it was bad. Something had happened to my Dad. In the years that followed, everyone tried to shelter me from the shock of losing a father at five years old. We didn’t talk about it in depth. Only that he was in the hospital and he had branches stuck in his throat from the fall down the cliff. I later came to reflect on how devastating it must have been for my grandparents to see their son removed from life support.
A few years later, I was in the backseat of the car when a sense of doom came over me. I think we were driving up the mountains, making our way around the windy roads. I was lying down and I didn’t want to see the edge of the cliffs. At the time, I didn’t understand this strange, grim feeling that would sometimes swell up inside of me, and I was embarrassed to talk about it.
In 1973, my Dad had stopped at a vista point in Malibu, to look at the ocean view, when a drunk teenager came around the bend and knocked him over the side of the cliff. At some point, it became very clear that my own fear had likely shaped itself around that event, which I was unable to process properly as a child. Driving around cliffs still makes me feel uneasy.
But the fear manifested in different ways through the years, especially as various types of OCD, and as a sense of extreme queasiness in medical contexts, to the point of panic attacks.
By the time I was in my thirties, I was deep into a spiritual journey that included everything from cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation retreats and Yoga trainings, to assorted healing intensives. Yet I still lived in fear of being triggered. One day, I sat in my yard feeling hopeless and tears and silent prayers began pouring out of me. I just sat there, sniffling like a helpless child with tears dripping from my chin.
I’m not sure how much time had passed in the yard that day, but I felt relieved… palliated, in a new and different way.
Surrender—
I’ve come to see that surrender is the quality that all the various and sundry spiritual practices have in common. Only we seldom reach this point. We go through the motions, but without that interior feeling of “dropping down.” I have also come to realize that true surrender includes genuine self love. The reason why is because of the simultaneous realization that not only is the notion of “perfection” not the goal or mark of spiritual realization, but also, it is non-existent.
With this realization, the drive to “fix” ourselves falls away, as does the shame around our inability to do so. We are often riddled with an inner voice that says “I should be past this by now,” or “I know better than this.” But all of these judgmental internal messages creates more angst. Worse, it sets up a barrier to true healing because we’re constantly reaching… reaching… reaching. And fighting.
And so, what’s left is to love yourself as you are… to take and accept yourself as you are… and finally, to embrace your challenges as they are. Which ultimately means taking your weaknesses, not as a fault, but as some thing else entirely: As exactly the right electrical prongs to plug into God, so that the healing current may flow freely through us as a form of personal power and strength.
And then suddenly, when that connection has been made, like a closed circuit, you feel light. Absolutely light, like a burden has been lifted. For me, this is the real meaning of “relief.” It’s not yours anymore, and the feeling of having given it away, brings an incomparably deep healing, rather than just a momentary distraction.
In a word, surrender is that moment when you give up the fight. It is absolute nonresistance… Ironically, although westerners tend to see non-resistance as a weakness, it is true empowerment. In a state of surrender, there is no longer any need to prove yourself. It’s easier just to absorb the ego blow.
It feels like a total relaxation of every cell in the body. It’s an emotional release. And with that repose, comes a return to our normal and healthful rhythm. It’s where our body puts itself right again. It’s as mysterious as the working of the Tao. It’s the natural way. And in this state of true alignment, we feel strong, safe in the universe, and supported. Surrender is not giving up. It is coming home. And when we feel cozy, here where we are, we see that we are already perfect. We are as we are, so as to serve as only we can. We are friendly with ourselves and can thus be friendly with others, where they are.
How to Surrender?—
For me, the best way is through prayer. I have spoken before about how my Italian grandmother taught me to pray. It always felt natural to me. But, if prayer is an uncomfortable proposition for you due to negative associations with organized religion, try praying to your “higher self,” or to your “inner source of higher wisdom.” Or, even, to a beloved and wise elder, whether alive or deceased… Or, to someone that you wish could’ve been in your life as a dear friend… someone like Mother Teresa. By holding the image of such a person in your heart, you make the concept of prayer less abstract, enabling you to direct your prayer to someone tangible.
One of My Own To Share—
This is a prayer that came spontaneously to me one day. As I have shared in previous articles, I have always felt connected to Mother Mary, and so, I tend to address my prayers to her, but if you like this prayer, feel free to modify it as I suggested above, and address it to the universe at large, or a being that you feel connected to.
Prayer for self-love and self acceptance …
Dear Mother Mary,
Help me to accept myself as I am. Help me to see myself as a beautiful
work in progress, just as everyone else is. Help me to see myself as perfectly imperfect,
just the way I was made… Help me to stop comparing myself to others, and especially,
help me stop criticizing myself. Help me extend compassion to myself, as I would to
others. Please fill my heart with unconditional love that spills out onto myself as onto the
world indiscriminately. Help me to realize my incredible value here on earth… Help me
see that there is no one else like me, that can do what I do and see as I see. Help me see
how capable I am, and help me to rejoice in the life I have been given, and flourish in my
own skin… help me to love myself, as I am. Help me to relinquish the need for other
peoples’ approval and recognition. Please fill my heart with courage and self-confidence,
even in situations that feel daunting and overwhelming, and especially in situations in
which I feel judged. Help me to see that other peoples’ judging eyes are more a reflection
of who they are, than who I am. May I love myself as I am, may I love myself as I am… Thank you. Amen.
